a Cheap Holiday

Cheap Holiday

Welcome to a cheap holiday in my life. At least you get to go home at the end of the day!

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide. I'm sure there are kids who "remember where they were when they heard the news," but I'm not one of them. I was not particularly impressed by the deification of Kurt, though I loved Nirvana and related to Kurt's angst as much as the next late model Gen X'er. But it seemed to me that fans were too willing to confuse the message with the messenger. I firmly believe in loving the art, but recognizing the fallibility of the artist. Based on my own personal experiences, except in cases of extreme medical circumstances, I now tend to view suicide as a way to punk out on accepting personal responsibility and I definitely got that impression with Cobain.

My reflection on Cobain is enhanced by the fact that my own older brother is in the process of hitting bottom massively. A blue-collar worker with limited education and no high tech skills, he's also divorced, with a teenage son that is now more interested in girls than in being company to his aging father, unemployed with limited prospects in his field, all of which is garnished by a severe case of depression that was in part inaugurated by the suicide of a close first cousin a little over a year ago. He also has an unhealthy attraction for damaged women that need help, but the type of help that is really beyond his expertise and resources. This has, of course, only pushed him further into debt. My family is in the process of recommending him to professional counseling, but if he won't accept it, then what?

Ironically, I--who have for so many years been attracted to the aesthetic idea of letting go or hitting bottom ("Fight Club" is one of my favorite movies)--am at my happiest state in over five years. I have numerous friends internationally that I keep up with, good education, a job that compensates me well (as it drives me crazy in the process, but hey, welcome to capitalism), and a supportive, selected family that I will now dub "the Philaphamily," in order to discriminate them from my bio-family in my writings. Those of you who know me and have read this blog, also know of my life-long attraction to BDSM or D/s practices and the Philphamily constitutes my first foray into living a true D/s and polyamorous relationship. I am not someone who goes into a great amount of detail about my BDSM activities online, but suffice it to say, the Philaphamily helps me feel very happy and it's wonderful to not be so alone.

I only wish I could help my brother feel better about his life.


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